Roland’s Rules for the Holidays

OK, folks. It’s that time of the year. Thursday is Thanksgiving, and that means you’ve got some crazy, ignant relatives coming by.
So, every year on my radio show I give my listeners my rules for the holidays.

1. Shut up and eat. Don’t ask anybody who cooked what. Just fix your plate and sit down.
2. If you cook a meal, cook it the traditional way. Look, some folks want to experiment on us. We don’t have time for that. If it’s macaroni and cheese, fix it like we know it! If you’re looking to “try something new,” do it on your own time…and with your own stomach.
3. Cheap is not better. If you’re asked to bring Coke or Pepsi, don’t come into my house with that off brand soda – y’all say pop here – that NOBODY ever drinks. All it’s going to do is make folks mad, force them to drink water, and take up space in my pantry.
4. If you are a baby’s daddy, don’t ask, “What’s for dinner?” Just bring your sorry behind over and see your kids. Also, DON’T bring your new woman.
5. If you can’t afford to buy your own movie ticket, don’t suggest a family outing to see “This Christmas.” I can’t stand folks who LOVE to plan family outings, but when it’s time to go, they say their pockets are light.
6. When you see my momma, call her Mrs. Martin and call my daddy, Mr. Martin. You might be a son or daughter-in-law, but that ain’t YOUR momma or daddy. That’s mine. LOL
7. If your kid pops a squat, you have to change their pants. That ain’t my job. Take care of your kid!
8. When it’s time to pray, don’t pretend you are preaching your first sermon. Keep the prayer tight and right. I already love Jesus. That long prayer drives EVERYBODY nuts. Momma, do you HEAR me?!
9. You are not Michael Jordan or Donovan McNabb, so put the ball down. Every holiday we get these fools who want everyone to know they USED to be a sports star. OK, but you work at the Post Office, and not in the NFL or NBA. So it’s time to retire. Plus, we ran out of Icy Hot, and we don’t need to spend Thanksgiving in the emergency room because you got injured trying to be a damn hero.
10. If your old uncle, grandfather or grandmother wants to sit in that corner chair and sleep through Thanksgiving, let ‘em! They old. They can do what they want. Just go on about your business and have a good day.

Related Posts

• Progressive Oct. 2 March Must Be About Jobs
• Roland, TJMS, 09.03.10: Roland S. Martin/Tom Joyner Morning Show, Roland Martin Talks With Kendrick Meek About Economy, Deficit And Midterm Elections
• Perspective: Everyone Must Help Transform New Orleans (VIDEO)
• Actor And Activist Wendell Pierce On Rebuilding Pontratrain Park (VIDEO)
• Rebuilding Businesses After Hurricane Katrina (VIDEO)