Roland’s rules for the holidays – summertime edition
- No meat on the grill, I’m going home. If you can’t afford ribs, chicken, brisket and some links, don’t invite me over! No, hot dogs and hamburgers does NOT constitute a proper cookout. And I don’t want to hear that crap about some pineapple slices and portabello mushrooms. No, cookout means MEAT!
- This is especially for the brother-in-law you can’t stand: bring your own swimming trunks. If you want to play with the kids in the kids pool, I don’t want to share my trunks with you. Why? Because I can’t stand you!
- Also for that ignant brother-in-law: If you don’t want your cornrows wet by the water, don’t get in the pool! I never understand folks who want to play with the kids in water, but don’t want their hair wet. Get a normal haircut and save the drama.
- Taking the lead from Michelle Obama, no pantyhose! It’s a party outdoors. Stop trying to be all cute and so polished. Show the bare legs!
- Ladies, shave your legs. Look, I don’t care what Mo’Nique says, bruh ain’t doing the furry gams. Hairy legs is NOT an attraction.
- Guys, shave your backs! Invariably, there will be a three-on-three basketball game, and it will be shirts vs. skins. If you look like Chewbacca from Star Wars, push hard to be a shirt.
- Another repeat item: Don’t drop your kids off at the picnic and leave. This is not a daycare, so we’re not responsible for the little gremlins.
- If you’re told to bring an item to the picnic, such as a side dish, don’t holla, “I’ll bring the napkins!” No, go get something real you cheap bastard! We need to feed people.
- For the fake ass would-be rapper in the family, no, we don’t want to hear your latest song, so we will not gather everyone around to listen to you rap.
- To that boogie family member, no, we don’t want to see the dance your baby girl did at her recital. A family get together ain’t supposed to be Showtime at the Apollo. There are no contracts to be awarded. All we want to do is have a good time, eat and enjoy the music.
- If you didn’t plan, coordinate or arrange anything to do with the cookout, leave your broke ass friends at home! We have enough family members to fill up the joint, so we don’t need any extra mouths to feed.
- This is a cookout, not a fashion show. So if you come fully dressed and then complain about the heat, SHUT THE HELL UP! Everyone knew it was outdoors.
- Family reunion: If you planned NO part of it, shut up about the location, trips, or anything associated with it. Just sit down, eat and not hit on your fine cousins.
- If you are a baby daddy or baby momma, and you bring your new man or woman, tell them to dress right. We don’t need to see her breasts falling all out her clothes or her butt cheeks in those tight shorts because you want to show how well-endowed she is and how big her booty is. And tell Mr. Man we don’t need to see his pecks and abs to show how built he is. You are there to see the kids, so save the drama.
- The picnic-family reunion-house party is NOT a venture capitalist meeting. So we don’t need anyone trying to get folks to invest in their latest crazy adventure, OK? This is party and we are trying to have fun. I don’t want to see a spreadsheet, business plan or anything else. Just put the music on and dance!










