Roland’s Cookout Rules
To everyone, have a great Memorial Day weekend. And give thanks to the troops who have given their lives for this country. Now its time for Roland’s Cookout Rules, don’t get it twisted …
If you are having burgers & hot dogs, we are NOT showing up. That’s a cookout for kids; not grown folks! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are having portabella mushrooms on the grill, I’m cussing your azz out & leaving. That’s a fake cookout! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you still wear a jheri curl, you are not allowed anywhere near the BBQ pit. We don’t need your special sauce #Rolandscookoutrules
Unless you have a real job that can be proven with a time card or check stub, there will be NO take out orders #Rolandscookoutrules
If your child support payments are not up to date, your invite to the cookout has been revoked! #Rolandscookoutrules
Off brand beer or sodas will get you two smacks upside your head & an immediate ejection from the cookout! #Rolandscookoutrules
Wannabe rappers: we will not play your CD at the cookout. Only established acts who don’t cuss or shoot folks allowed #Rolandscookoutrules
You can play ball after we eat. No musty azz folks are allowed near the food. #Rolandscookoutrules
If you drop off your kids & leave, I’m calling Child Protective Services for abandonment. Watch your own bad azz kids! #Rolandscookoutrules
The drunk azz uncle we all have is not allowed to serve drinks. He will likely steal the liquor. #Rolandscookoutrules
I know folks on a health kick, but if I say get some bread, that’s WHITE bread! Brisket & multigrain don’t work! #Rolandscookoutrules
A grown azz man cookout means brisket, ribs, links, chicken. If you want turkey on the grill, stay ya azz at home! #Rolandscookoutrules
If u don’t eat beef or pork, you better enjoy the baked beans. That’s the only meat we have! #Rolandscookoutrules
If your stingy azz brought some meat, that don’t mean only you get to eat it. One pit, one family! #Rolandscookoutrules
Bruhs, if your new woman comes by & don’t speak to erbody in the house, take her azz back where you picked her up! #Rolandscookoutrules
Sisters, if your new man comes by & looks one of my nieces up & down, all the men are whuppin’ his azz. Got it? #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are a smoker, you better quit 3 days before the cookout. We don’t want to smell nicotine all in your clothes! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you have not previously been certified by my mama, your potato salad & cole slaw cannot be put in the rotation. #Rolandscookoutrules
To anybody who owes me money: hell no you are not welcome to the family cookout! #Rolandscookoutrules
We have an old school cookout. If it’s time to play Scrabble, we want the board game w/real tiles, not your iPad! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you have not been family-certified, you CANNOT play spades, dominoes or bid whist. Go practice & come back #Rolandscookoutrules
If u just started baking, you are not allowed to bring any desserts. Only approved pound cake/peach cobbler allowed. #Rolandscookoutrules
The recliner is for daddy, mama, big mama or paw paw. You sit in it as long as they aren’t there. 1 show up, you azz up! #Rolandscookoutrules
If we get 2 discussing politics & u say “Barack,” I’m bustin’ u in the head w/big mama’s cane. It’s Pres Obama #Rolandscookoutrules
If politics come up & you defend Rush, Donald Trump, Glenn Beck or Hannity, I’m bustin’ you in the head w/big mama’s cane. #Rolandscookoutrules
If u didn’t bring extra underwear for your kids, & u knew they aren’t potty trained, your sorry parenting azz can’t eat #Rolandscookoutrules
If u need a ride & u are just calling, I guess u having Popeye’s on Memorial Day #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are to boogie to do the Cupid Shuffle or the Electric Slide, you can leave my house now! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you don’t remove your hat in my house or your do rag, it WILL be removed. Ya feel me? #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are an ex-felon, don’t act like none are in your family! – you must remain outside at all times. No excuses. #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are divorced & we never liked you, your sister Pam can drop the kids off & pick them up. #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are in a multilevel marketing program, & you try to pull a brochure out, you will be forcibly removed by the ex-felon. #Rolandscookoutrules
If you are complaining about the heat, shut the hell up! We don’t do cookouts in the damn winter. #Rolandscookoutrules
When i say put some Ross on, I mean Diana Ross. NOT Rick Ross! #Rolandscookoutrules
When I say put the King on, I mean BB King, damn sure not Elvis! #Rolandscookoutrules
When I say put some soul on, I mean Stax/Atlantic/Chess Records, not neo-soul! #Rolandscookoutrules
When I say put some Motown on, I mean when Berry Gordy owned Motown! #Rolandscookoutrules
And when Big Al Carson’s “Take Your Drunk Ass Home” is played, I mean it. TAKE Y’ALL’S DRUNK ASSES HOME! BOOM! #Rolandscookoutrules
If you show up with your underwear showing, that ass we see will get whupped! #Rolandscookoutrules
Bruhs, if you show up Timbalands & jeans, I’m patting you down. No one legal wears those hot azz clothes to a cookout #Rolandscookoutrules
Ladies, if we can see your organs, your clothes R 2 tight. The ladies on the usher board will pull you aside & school you #Rolandscookoutrules
Fellas, no wife beaters. A sweaty man in a wife beater at a cookout is nothing great to look at #Rolandscookoutrules
If your kids are out there dancing like a pole dancer, I’m snatching them off the dance floor AND their mama & daddy! #Rolandscookoutrules
If u go use the restroom, we are doing a hand inspection before you get near any food. Wash up! #Rolandscookoutrules
Ladies, if your legs look like a Chia Pet, wear some pants. Lord, please, no hairy legs! #Rolandscookoutrules
Lastly, If you found a way here, find a way back. There will be no passing of the hat to call u a cab with ya broke azz! #Rolandscookoutrules
